As I start to write this, all I can think of is Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. Maybe it is the name I chose for the post. Ha…Anyway, this has nothing to do with the “big switch” that he made a few shorts months ago, but it has everything to do with the big switch that I will be making in a little over 2 months in my own life.
You see, 4 years ago we brought the sweetest baby girl I have ever laid eyes on into this world. She changed everything I ever thought that I knew. She showed us love that we didn’t know we were even capable of feeling, and she showed us a responsibility that we had only thought we understood. A little less than 2 short years later, her little brother came along. My oh my how things quickly changed! Life was twice as wonderful, yet twice as stressful too! The love and joy that these 2 kiddos have brought into our lives is beyond anything I had ever known (except for the love of my Lord Jesus Christ, but I am speaking of an earthly love). Like most parents, my husband and I have both felt the weight of these lives on our shoulders. We felt the weight of teaching them the ways of the world and how we are to not be like the world, but to stand apart, no matter the cost or the popularity that it may or may not bring. We felt the weight of our time being torn, but always wanting them to know that they are our top priority. We felt the weight of simply knowing that these 2 lives are in our hands. We would be their main form of encouragement, discipline, teaching, LOVE, and the list could go on forever. This weight feels and looks differently for each and every parent. We are all on different journeys in our lives, and things do not look the same for each of us. We all have different means, as well as different goals and ambitions for our families. One thing that spans the sector and is the same for each of us is that we all love our children and want what is very best for them. How we get there can be as different as night and day.
Before we ever got married, my husband had told me that when he had kids, he had always wanted his wife to be a stay at home mom. At this point (21 years old), I was almost offended. I know it sounds awful, but I had just graduated college and had no intentions of not utilizing my degree to the fullest. I had big plans, and at that point- being a stay at home mom did not seem like something that would fit into those plans. I knew I wanted kids. In fact, it had been my life’s biggest goal…to be a MOM…but at this stage of my life, my ideas for myself just didn’t fall in line with being home day in and day out. Fast forward to the birth of my baby boy (the youngest). When he was born and we then had 2 precious babies under 2 years old, my whole mindset began slowly changing. It had already began shifting after the birth of Eden, but after Blaize was born, the shift was VERY apparent. I started to have a very strong desire to be home with them, to be their caretaker both day and night. I wanted to be the one to give naps, feed lunch, play outside in the sun or in the snow, take to school, pick up from school, and once again the list could go on forever. I started to share those feelings with my husband. Here I was 10 years later, and that same girl that thought she could never be a stay at home mom was desiring nothing more but to stay home. He was very supportive (I mean, things had changed, but he still desired that in his own heart as well.), but he knew that we had become accustomed to a certain way of life. Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I am not lazy. I am a LOT of things, but lazy is not one of them. I love to work. I don’t sit still much, and I knew that even if I did come home to be with my babies one day, I would have to work from home. It wasn’t really an option to me. Grant it, being home with 2 toddlers is DEFINITELY work enough in and of itself, so please do not get me wrong. But, I knew that I wanted to still be able to provide monetarily for our family as well. In order for me to feel confident taking the step towards coming home, I needed to finally pursue my dreams, so I did. That is where this blog was born. This is a dream in action. This is the first step of fulfilling a plan that I knew God had for my life…a plan that He had all along for me. By creating this blog, it has brought me to a place that I have felt confident in pursuing so many other dreams that I had let sit on the back burner, dreams that may have never been lived out had it not been for the blog. I finally started taking steps toward pursuing a decorating career, as well as providing furniture painting services. These are all areas that I have always loved but never took the time to fully embrace and pursue until now. It wasn’t until I knew that God was prodding my heart to come home that even took the initiative to embark on this journey.
Had I not truly known that this was God’s plan for our lives, I would have never even thought twice about the path I was on. I was on a great path. I was content. I had a great job that provided so much for our family. I had the best work family that anyone could ask for. I had good pay and a good amount of time off to spend with my family. I had it good, but when you are not where you know in your heart God wants you, you will never find true joy and true satisfaction. You will always wrestle with knowing He has other plans, and until you surrender to those plans, you are not being obedient and not reaching your full potential, no matter what anyone else thinks. When my husband and I finally said that I was going to for sure come home and take that journey, I felt like a burden had been lifted. My job was not a burden to me. In fact, I really loved my job. The burden was just the feeling of knowing I wasn’t where He wanted me to be. When I made the decision to follow Him, I had peace…and I knew we were making the right decision for OUR family. (I know it isn’t the right decision for every family) It wasn’t easy, but what is right is not always easy. In fact, it seems like it rarely is! In my human nature, I second guessed myself, and I worried tremendously about the feelings of others toward me in this decision. Would they support me? Would they understand? Would they think I was crazy and that I was selfish? Would they realize the time, thought and prayer that went into this? Would they realize it was not just my decision, but that it was BOTH of ours? Man…I worried/worry way too much! My husband is so good about reminding me that it does not matter what anyone else thinks. He reminds me daily someone doesn’t have to tell me that it is right for it to be right. How right is that? He is my rock, and I am thankful for such a great man to call my husband.
So, when the new year comes, I will be leaving the comfort of the known into a whole new world of unknowns. I will be entering into a place that I will have to completely trust His calling and that He will provide answers along the way, because I do not have them all. As I already start to look back, I can see doors that were closed for a reason. Sure, at the time those doors hurt, but now I can see and understand the reasons in a whole new way. “For when God closes one door, He always opens another one…but sometimes we stare so long at the closed door that we fail to see the open door right in front of us.” May we all be aware of the open doors!
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